Jaguar (+ other car related pics) V12 (fast, smooth and solid, shame about the 9mpg I used to get - I'd drive to the bank to get some money out to pay for the petrol to drive to the bank!)
Current car - Mercedes E-Class
Gaz's Vital's
This page is better viewed in 8.00 x 6.00 mode ie 8 pints of beer 6 hours before you read it
Before we start, click here to have a quick peek at my bar, studio & gym
**** or click here to amuse yourself with some jokes ****
(Warning - this goes on a bit!)
My age(s!):
Mental = 8 (just slightly less than the average man)
Physical = 26 (OK don't laugh, I do play a lot of Badminton though and I've built a Gym)
Desirable = 29 forever
Real = Who cares?
Height:
Yes I have height (6ft 1in) although I'm probably shrinking now and sometimes the height goes in the wrong direction (frontways)
Marital status:
Happily divorced, 2 kids, about 5 and half Koi Carp (could be goldfish in disguise), two deceased cats and one deceased hamster, who had a silly name like hammie, coco, albert or something.
Instruments played:
Keyboards (I'm so skillful at keyboards, I can play it using one finger on each hand providing there is some strange button called accompaniment)
Drums (Good for reducing my stress and increasing everyone elses)
Bass - beginner but it's such an easy instrument to play!
Harp (lager)
Recorder (3 blind mice but extending my repertoir shortly to 4 deaf rats)
Vocal chords (sounds like a good name for a band)
Most detestable food:
Curry & Garlic (ugggghhhh - yes I know I'm probably the only one in the UK but I don't care).
Most delectable babes:
Cameron Diaz, Kelly Brook
Musical influences (not in any particular order)
Beatles, Stones, T.Rex, Deep Purple, Led Zeppelin, Hawkwind, Judas Priest, Jimi Hendrix, Pink Floyd, Guns n Roses, Mission, Cult, U2, Abba, Simple Minds, Slade, Bob Marley, Oasis, Pinky & Perky, Kinks, Chic, Sam & Dave, Streets, Snow Patrol, Who, Monkies, Mozart, Grieg, Bryan Adams, Human League, Dido, Eurythmics, Thin Lizzy, Fat Boy Slim, Bowie, Alanis Morissette, Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit, Wheatus, Coldplay, Chas & Dave, Spice Girls, Rolf Harris, most Dance/Club music, Soul a la Blues Brothers, Flintstones, (bet you can't spot the odd ones out) loads more...
The person I would most like to have a 121 with…
Ideally a tallish, slimish, non-smoking blonde/brunette female, age 30-35 (to get closer to my mental age), fun person with extremely good sense of humour, not too loud (or comes with a volume control - thinking about it, a remote control would be more useful - you could fast forward all the boring bits and slow motion the good bits), doesn't fall over when drunk or hits/throws things at me (especially hard or sharp objects), generally a calm and insane person, doesn't like arguing, enjoys a thrashing at tennis/badminton (and doesn't mind running around a lot), likes cute furry animals, kiddies and fast cars - anyone out there fit the bill? (as if)
Turn offs
Smoking, extreme politics/viewponts, aggression/violence (unless pretend),
The M25 Junction 21A (S) is also a real turn-off
Pet Hates
Queuing for anything, especially for beer in pubs, one reason why I built my own bar. Lorries deciding to overtake another lorry on the Motorway, typically just as the road is going up a long gradient, taking around 10 minutes/6 miles to overtake it in order to gain 40ft, and causing a 5 mile jam in the outside lane.
Needing 8-9 hours sleep a night - what a waste of time!
My favourite places
Home and Disneyland. Here's some pics of them. Most recent visit Oct 2000. I highly recommend the Radisson Twin Towers hotels, opposite Universal Studio
Greatest Fear
Getting pregnant, well, not so much the getting pregnant as having a baby
Favourite Cars (owned)
Jaguar (+ other car related pics) V12 (fast, smooth and solid, shame about the 9mpg I used to get - I'd drive to the bank to get some money out to pay for the petrol to drive to the bank!)
Current car - Mercedes E-Class
Previous Cars
Jag X-Type (jinxed!)
Briefly road tested for a weekend Mercedes CLK Cabriolet. Really nice but decided Cabriolet impractical for 2 large kids + 5.5 Koi Carp hence the car I finally ordered was the Mercedes E-Class
Favourite Car (not owned - well not just yet...)
Jaguar XJ220, McClaren F1, Aston Martin Vantage, Ferrari
Least favourite car driven
This could have gone in my secrets section, but I had to drive a Lada for a couple of weeks (a long time ago when I was poor and didn't have a choice). I used to use a petrol station some distance away, late at night wearing sunglasses and hat. Still, it gave me all the exercise I needed and I still have the muscles today (left hand, left foot, both arms - and that was just through starting the car, let alone pushing it). They say its a good car for getting from A to B, just as well there isn't a place called Atob.
Films
Comedies, Drama, Sci-fi, Scary, Thrillers. Favourites are too numerous but Schindler's list, Forest Gump, Life of Brian, Matrix trilogy, Trains, PLanes & Autombiles, One flew over cuckoos nest, Shrek, Gladiator, Enter the Dragon, The Crow, Zombies dawn of the dead (original), Aliens, Star Wars, and Terminator 2 give you a feel
Aspirations:
To die after I get old (well at least 140) To never get old, well not yet for a long while
To be abducted for a few days by friendly English speaking aliens, get a free tour of the alien tourist spots in the galaxy, go forward in time a few weeks and take note of the lottery numbers, and while I’m away work out the meaning of life or the meaning of death, if there is any meaning
To continue to be happy and make others happy
To keep stress to an absolute minimum
Most embarrassing moment on stage
While playing on stage at Wembley Stadium May 1993 - rather not talk about it Ralph and John wearing silly wigs at the Xmas gig (thats why I stayed up the other end)
This'll make you laugh...
When people were talking about how bad someone looked, I couldn't work out why they would say they looked like "deaf warm duck", and I didn't know what a deaf warm duck looked like (although I could visualise a duck wearing a hat & coat who got run over crossing the road as it didn't hear the car coming). It was only recently I found out (by reading it somewhere) that they were saying "Death warmed up".
Secrets
If I told it wouldn’t be a secret. I like goths.
Confuchush says…
Don’t have a birthday on Xmas
Fast food, fast relationships
Brown Earth not Blue Sky
When cleaning the toilet bowl, always keep your mouth shut
The universe is full of balls, giant ones and incredibly tiny ones. In fact we could be part of a giant bubble gum machine, those stars out there could be quarks, or possibly those pesky aliens could have just wrapped a giant black blanket around the earth (just past the moon - cos we landed on it to try to try and catch them out), and they use a giant torch for the Sun and little torches for the stars.
Most Recent Revelation
Girl's not only go to the toilet together but "literally" go to the toilet together ie up to 2 or 3 of them actually share the same cubicle at the same time (according to my survey in Rotherham on 17th Dec) - needs more analysis!
A Cure for hiccups:
A cure for hiccups! Take a glass of water and gargle, letting the water go as far down your throat without choking/drowning - although drowning also cures hiccups. Gargle for about 30 seconds. Keep this gargling going for about 30 seconds, hey presto, hic-cups have gone.
Why is it????? (aka a list of sad questions, some of which I doubt will ever be answered!)
Are we in the middle of infinity?
Since the universe(s) (there may be more than one?) is very large and if we cannot determine such a limit, can we assume it is infinite? Or is someone “pulling the wool over our eyes”?
Investigating the small things like atoms and what they are made up of, could they be made of smaller and smaller particles, an infinite number of smaller and smaller particles, requiring a greater level of energy to discover them? If there is a limit, what determines this limit?
How can we be sure of this if nearly every theory man has put forward has always been superseded by better theories sometime later, and we know there is a big disconnect between the theories dealing with large objects and small objects.
What determines the speed of light ie why is it that particular speed? Analogy, a car can only reach a maximum speed based on engine power, weight, friction, inclination/external forces like wind resistance etc. What is the equivalent of these parameters for light which determine this speed.
Is there a relationship between the speed of light and the size/properties of atoms/sub-atomic particles (photons)?
Does light effectively act like a memory device, capturing “image” patterns and transmitting them using some sort of protocol/encoding. Can we change/manipulate this code?
Do sub-atomic particles such as electrons travel at speed of light when travelling around the neutron/proton?
Presumably nothing can travel at speed of light which has mass since you need infinite energy? Do sub-atomic particles like electrons have mass? If not, do they travel at the speed of light around the neutron/proton? If not what determines/limits their speed? Where does the energy/force come from to keep the electrons spinning?
Given that the universe is a large place, why is the fastest thing ie the speed of light so slow compared to the size of space? Or is it that we live for too short a time relative to cosmic time?
What would be the impact if the speed of light wasn’t constant?
Why is the speed of light a “odd” number such as 186,000mph or 299, 792,458 m/s. are we using the wrong units or are we measuring it wrong?
Why do planets spin? Do all planets/stars spin? Is the spin direction random are do they all spin the same direction? What is the impact of not spinning?
If you drop any object from a height of say 4 foot, it has to travel through half it’s height to reach the ground, and there would be an infinite number of “half heights” hence take an infinite time and never reach the ground. There is obviously a flawed assumption here somewhere.
Hobbies & interests, and likes
...or the time me and my mate (the dangerous brothers as we were known in the trade) were asked to help remove a few chimneys an got carried away. I swear I only removed a few bricks before I saw light and looked in the house next door. We also drew faces on the dust masks so we didn't look strange.
...and the time I invited a few friends (well they were friends at the time) for a meal. I served up a half frozen strawberry gateau and watched while they sucked on the solid strawberries and smiled, while trying to make polite conversation.
...once I was invited camping and when everyone had gone to bed, I switched the hose for the water supply and replaced it with a bottle 50% vodka 50% water - interesting cup of tea the next morning. We also played it safe around the camp fire, since we didn't have any matches, so used a torch, which was also useful for pointing out the stars in the clear night sky.
...or the simple harmless batch file on a friends PC (these friends are diminishing - I don't know why?) which after booting displayed "Disk Error 254 - All files erased" and then blanked the screen - especially useful after someone has been working hard typing without backing up their work.
...writing a simple little program to pretend to look like a nuclear missile site. I'd invite a few friends around (they're still getting fewer!), tell them I discovered an important site on the internet, and pretend to login to it. After I had managed to defeat the 5 levels of security (in my own local program), I accessed the missile re-programming section which listed all the missiles with their current destinations. I asked them for their postcodes and then went on to reprogram the missiles to accept the new postcodes (who would have believed they use postcodes?). They were starting to get nervous at this point, and I showed them how to get to the missile launch screen (even though I had to enter a few more passwords and give my name rank and number!). When I issued the command to launch the missiles (which had just been re-programmed to their home addresses), they were really worried.
.... or the one about the trip to Amsterdam with a group of about 10, and I brought back a joke container of erection pills. Upon my return through customs, I was asked by a female custom officer to empty my pockets, and despite me saying she shouldn't open the container, she did and got a funny surprise (large plastic dick sprang out!)
