Gaz's Vital's

This page is better viewed in 8.00 x 6.00 mode ie  8 pints of beer 6 hours before you read it

Before we start, click here to have a quick peek at my bar, studio & gym

**** or click here to amuse yourself with some jokes  ****

(Warning - this goes on a bit!)

My age(s!):

  • Mental = 8 (just slightly less than the average man)

    Physical = 26 (OK don't laugh, I do play a lot of Badminton though and I've built a Gym)

    Desirable  = 29 forever

    Real = Who cares? 

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    Height:

    Yes I have height (6ft 1in) although I'm probably shrinking now and sometimes the height goes in the wrong direction (frontways/sideways)

    Marital status:

  • Happily divorced, 2 kids, about 5 and half Koi Carp (although could be goldfish in disguise), two deceased cats and one deceased hamster, who had a silly name like hammie, coco or something.
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    Instruments played:

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  • Guitar (providing the strings are really easy to press down)

    Keyboards (I'm so skillful at keyboards, I can play it using one finger on each hand providing there is some strange button called accompaniment)

    Drums (Good for reducing my stress and increasing everyone elses)

    Bass - beginner but it's such an easy instrument to play!

    Harp (lager)

    Recorder (3 blind mice but extending my repertoir shortly to 4 deaf rats)

    Vocal chords (sounds like a good name for a band)

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    • Most detestable food:

    Curry & Garlic (ugggghhhh - yes I know I'm probably the only one in the UK but I don't care).

    Musical influences (not in any particular order)

    Beatles, Stones, T.Rex, Deep Purple, Led Zeppelin, Hawkwind, Judas Priest, Jimi Hendrix, Pink Floyd, Guns n Roses, Mission, Cult, U2, Abba, Simple Minds, Slade, Bob Marley, Oasis, Pinky & Perky, Kinks, Chic, Sam & Dave,  Streets, Snow Patrol, Who, Monkies, Mozart, Grieg, Bryan Adams, Human League, Dido, Eurythmics, Thin Lizzy, Fat Boy Slim, Bowie, Alanis Morissette, Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit, Wheatus, Coldplay, Chas & Dave, Spice Girls, Rolf Harris, most Dance/Club music, Soul a la Blues Brothers, Flintstones, (bet you can't spot the odd ones out) loads more...

    The person I would most like to have a 121 with…

    Ideally a tall slimish, non-smoking blonde/brunette female,  fun person with extremely good sense of humour, not too loud or comes with a volume control - thinking about it, a remote control would be more useful - you could fast forward all the boring bits and slow motion the good bits), doesn't fall over when drunk or hits/throws things at me (especially hard or sharp objects), generally a calm and insane person, doesn't like arguing, enjoys a thrashing at tennis/badminton (and doesn't mind running around a lot), likes cute furry animals, kiddies and fast cars - anyone out there fit the bill? (as if)

    Turn offs

    Smoking, extreme politics/religion, aggression/violence, 

    The M25 Junction 21A (S) is also a real turn-off

    Pet Hates

  • Queuing for anything, especially for beer in pubs, one reason why I built my own bar.

    Lorries deciding to overtake another lorry on the Motorway, typically just as the road is going up a long gradient, taking around 10 minutes/6 miles to overtake it in order to gain 40ft, and causing a 5 mile jam in the outside lane.

    Needing 8-9 hours sleep a night!

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    My favourite places

    Home and Disneyland. Here's some pics of them. Most recent visit Oct 2000.  I highly recommend the Radisson Twin Towers hotels, opposite Universal Studio

    Greatest Fear

  • Getting pregnant, well, not so much the getting pregnant as having a baby
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    Favourite Cars (owned)

    Current car - Jaguar XF -fantastic to drive

     

    Previous Cars

    Jaguar (+ other car related pics) V12 (fast, smooth and solid, shame about the 9mpg I used to get - I'd drive to the bank to get some money out to pay for the petrol to drive to the bank!)

    Jag X-Type (jinxed!) 2001-2004

     

    Mercedes E-Class  2004-2008

       

    Favourite Car (not owned - well not just yet...)

    Jaguar XJ220, McClaren F1, Aston Martin Vantage, Ferrari

    Least favourite car driven

    This could have gone in my secrets section, but I had to drive a Lada for a couple of weeks (a long time ago when I was poor and didn't have a choice). I used to use a petrol station some distance away, late at night wearing sunglasses and hat. Still, it gave me all the exercise I needed and I still have the muscles today (left hand, left foot, both arms - and that was just through starting the car, let alone pushing it). They say its a good car for getting from A to B, just as well there isn't a place called Atob.

    Films

    Comedies, Drama, Sci-fi, Scary, Thrillers. Favourites are too numerous but Schindler's list, Forest Gump,  Life of Brian, Matrix trilogy, Trains, Planes & Automobiles, One flew over cuckoos nest, Modern Times, Happy Feet, Shrek, Gladiator, Enter the Dragon, The Crow, Zombies dawn of the dead (original), Aliens, Star Wars, and Terminator 2 give you a feel

    Aspirations:

  • To die after I get old (well at least 140)

    To never get old, well not yet for a long while

    To be abducted for a few days by friendly English speaking aliens, get a free tour of the alien tourist spots in the galaxy, go forward in time a few weeks and take note of the lottery numbers, and while I’m away work out the meaning of life or the meaning of death, if there is any meaning

    To continue to be happy

    • Most embarrassing moment on stage

  • While playing on stage at Wembley Stadium May 1993 - rather not talk about it

    Ralph and John wearing silly wigs at the Xmas gig (thats why I stayed up the other end)

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    This'll make you laugh...

    When people were talking about how bad someone looked, I couldn't work out why they would say they looked like  "deaf warm duck", and I didn't know what a deaf warm duck looked like (although I could visualise a duck wearing a hat & coat who got run over crossing the road as it didn't hear the car coming).  It was only recently I found out (by reading it somewhere) that they were saying "Death warmed up".  

    Secrets

  • If I told it wouldn’t be a secret.
  • I like goths.
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    Confuchush says…

  • Don’t have a birthday on Xmas

    Fast food, fast relationships

    Brown Earth not Blue Sky

    When cleaning the toilet bowl, always keep your mouth shut

    The universe is full of balls, giant ones and incredibly tiny ones.  In fact we could be part of a giant bubble gum machine, those stars out there could be quarks, or possibly those pesky aliens could have just wrapped a giant black blanket around the earth (just past the moon - cos we landed on it to try to try and catch them out), and they use a giant torch for the Sun and little torches for the stars.

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    Most Recent Revelation

    Girl's not only go to the toilet together but "literally" go to the toilet together ie up to 2 or 3 of them actually share the same cubicle at the same time (according to my survey in Rotherham on 17th Dec) - needs more analysis! 

    A Cure for hiccups:

    A cure for hiccups! Take a glass of water and gargle, letting the water go as far down your throat without choking/drowning - although drowning also cures hiccups. Gargle for about 30 seconds. Keep this gargling going for about 30 seconds, hey presto, hic-cups have gone.

    Why is it????? (aka a list of sad questions, some of which I doubt will ever be answered!)

    Are we in the middle of infinity?

    Since the universe(s) (there may be more than one?) is very large and if we cannot determine such a limit, can we assume it is infinite? Or is someone “pulling the wool over our eyes”? 

    Investigating the small things like atoms and what they are made up of, could they be made of smaller and smaller particles, an infinite number of smaller and smaller particles, requiring a greater level of energy to discover them?  If there is a limit, what determines this limit? 

    How can we be sure of this if nearly every theory man has put forward has always been superseded by better theories sometime later, and we know there is a big disconnect between the theories dealing with large objects and small objects. 

    What determines the speed of light ie why is it that particular speed? Analogy, a car can only reach a maximum speed based on engine power, weight, friction, inclination/external forces like wind resistance etc. What is the equivalent of these parameters for light which determine this speed. 

    Is there a relationship between the speed of light and the size/properties of atoms/sub-atomic particles (photons)? 

    Does light effectively act like a memory device, capturing “image” patterns and transmitting them using some sort of protocol/encoding. Can we change/manipulate this code? 

    Do sub-atomic particles such as electrons travel at speed of light when travelling around the neutron/proton? 

    Presumably nothing can travel at speed of light which has mass since you need infinite energy? Do sub-atomic particles like electrons have mass? If not, do they travel at the speed of light around the neutron/proton?  If not what determines/limits their speed? Where does the energy/force come from to keep the electrons spinning?

    Given that the universe is a large place, why is the fastest thing ie the speed of light so slow compared to the size of space? Or is it that we live for too short a time relative to cosmic time? 

    What would be the impact if the speed of light wasn’t constant?

    Why is the speed of light a “odd” number such as 186,000mph or 299, 792,458 m/s. are we using the wrong units or are we measuring it wrong?

    Why do planets spin? Do all planets/stars spin? Is the spin direction random are do they all spin the same direction?  What is the impact of not spinning? 

    If you drop any object from a height of say 4 foot, it has to travel through half it’s height to reach the ground, and there would be an infinite number of “half heights” hence take an infinite time and never reach the ground.  There is obviously a flawed assumption here somewhere.

      

    Hobbies & interests, and likes

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  • Drinking in my bar, and chilling out 
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  • Burning the beer off playing badminton and running on my treadmill
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  • Messing about making recordings, playing guitar, drums, bass and a little keyboard, and recording stuff in the studio
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  • Practical jokes - just a few examples from my repertoire
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  • ...especially the one about the locking myself in the toilet at Jane’s party, climbing out of the window (ground floor flat of course) and making strange noises from outside to the people queuing outside the toilet (they thought someone was in there having a bad dump).
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  • ...or the one also at Jane & Martin's party about ringing their phone from a mobile phone in the same room, and hanging up just as they got close to the phone, then after about 20 times, letting them answer and saying it was the neighbours from upstairs, complaining that the music was too loud, while holding the phone in the room with music so that they could hear it.
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  • Note, the names in this section can be changed to protect the innocent, although in Jane and Martins case, they haven't been.
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  • ...and another...a friend went for a night out with his new girlfriend, so I hid his bed (propped up behind the door), and put a chair in the middle of his room with a small banger underneath it so when he returned in the early hours, firstly, he didn't have a bed (um, strange, I could have sworn there was a bed there when I left), secondly why was a chair in the middle of the room, and thirdly, when he moved it.........bang!
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  • ....he also had this old guitar amp which he thought was nearing the end of its useful life as it kept cutting out, since every time he kicked it started working again, co-incidentially timed with me putting back the fuse in the fusebox.
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  • ...or there was the time I was invited to a fancy dress barbeque. I decided to go as a one man SAS/special forces raiding party. I had pre-rigged the garden with theatre explosives and smoke bombs, and I had all the gear (gas mask, machine gun, full combat suit, you know, the usual equipment). I set off the explosives and smoke bombs (which took a few people by surprise) and abseiled down the high garden wall (at least 5ft high) and immediately ran into my mate  "Bruce Lee", who minutes earlier was giving a convincing display of his martial art prowess. I pinned him up against the wall, with my machine gun (toy gun of course) and luckily for him, he was wearing dark King Fu trousers.
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    • ...or the time me and my mate (the dangerous brothers as we were known in the trade)  were asked to help remove a few chimneys an got carried away. I swear I only removed a few bricks before I saw light and looked in the house next door. We also drew faces on the dust masks so we didn't look strange.

    ...and the time I invited a few friends (well they were friends at the time) for a meal. I served up a half frozen strawberry gateau and watched while they sucked on the solid strawberries and smiled, while trying to  make polite conversation.

    ...once I was invited camping and when everyone had gone to bed, I switched the hose for the water supply and replaced it with a bottle 50% vodka 50% water - interesting cup of tea the next morning.  We also played it safe around the camp fire, since we didn't have any matches, so used a torch, which was also useful for pointing out the stars in the clear night sky.

    ...or the simple harmless batch file on a friends PC (these friends are diminishing - I don't know why?) which after booting displayed "Disk Error 254 - All files erased" and then blanked the screen - especially useful after someone has been working hard typing without backing up their work. 

    ...writing a simple little program to pretend to look like a nuclear missile site. I'd invite a few friends around (they're still getting fewer!), tell them I discovered an important site on the internet, and pretend to login to it. After I had managed to defeat the 5 levels of security (in my own local program), I accessed the missile re-programming section which listed all the missiles with their current destinations. I asked them for their postcodes and then went on to reprogram the missiles to accept the new postcodes (who would have believed they use postcodes?). They were starting to get nervous at this point, and I showed them how to get to the missile launch screen (even though I had to enter a few more passwords and give my name rank and number!). When I issued the command to launch the missiles (which had just been re-programmed to their home addresses), they were really worried.

    .... or the one about the trip to Amsterdam with a group of about 10, and I brought back a joke container of erection pills. Upon my return through customs, I was asked by a female custom officer to empty my pockets, and despite me saying she shouldn't open the container, she did and got a funny surprise (large plastic dick sprang out!)