Here's some amusing jokes (well I found them funny anyway - especially after 8 pints of lager)
**** Laughter Warning *****
This page should only be viewed after a few drinks
(this
section of jokes is best told with a silly grin and a Tommy Cooper accent with
lots of hur hur hur hur noises)
1.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
2.
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was
rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
3. Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them, and the Fire brigade couldn’t put the fire out
4.
Do you know, as a child my mother was always pulling my leg. That's why
one is six inches longer than the other."
5.
"I was nearly a step-child, my Mother said she would have left me on
someone's doorstep if she'd had half a chance."
6.
I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.
7.
I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty
and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids....
8.
Did you hear about the short-sighted bank robber? He went into the bank,
he said 'Stick 'em up. A minute later he said “Are they up?” A little later
I was walking up the road, and the same robber came out of bank and said 'Have
you seen a policeman round here?' I said 'No'. He said 'Stick 'em up then'.
9.
Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other,
"have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other replies,
"No, but I've been swung around by the tits!"
10.
An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the
time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of
doing away with herself she came to a conclusion. The quickest and surest way
would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain
about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He
told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. She shot
herself in the left kneecap.
11.
Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
12.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
13.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.
He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help, sir?"
"No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking around"
14.
The same blind man walks into another shop and says f***ing ouch, who put
that shop there”
15.
Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh'
and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and
everyone joins in.
16.
He said "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser
legs and put it in a library." I thought "That's a turn-up for the
books."
17.
And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
chucking money to him. I said "Do you earn a living doing that?" He
said "Yes, this my livelihood."
18.
So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said: "Is that the local swimming baths?"
He said "It depends where you're calling from."
19.
So I rang up a local building firm,
I said "I want a skip outside my house."
He said "I'm not stopping you."
20.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
and he said "You've been promoted."
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted
again."
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said "You're managing director."
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said "What happened to you?"
And I said "I careered off the road."
21.
So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said "I want to buy an
ice-cream."
He said "Hundreds & thousands?"
I said "We'll start with one."
He said "Knickerbocker glory?"
I said "I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers"
22.
So I got home, and the phone was ringing.
I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?"
And a voice said "You are."
23.
I bumped into an old acquaintance the other day, he told me
he had taken a job as a postman. He said it was better than
walking the streets
24.
I was driving down the motorway with my girlfriend the other day when we
both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd
take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.
25.
"My wife phoned me the other night and she said, "I've got
water in the carburettor." I said, "where's the car?" she said,
"in the river."
26.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
oyster, go for it."
27.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was
nice.
28.
A man gets on a train and sits next to a blonde reading a book called Sex
Statistics. 'Any good?', he asks. 'Fascinating - American Indians have the
widest dicks, and Polishmen the longest. By the way, I'm Jane.' 'Hi,' he says.
'I'm Tonto Palawlaski.'
29.
I went out for a meal the other night and I said to the waiter, 'This
chicken I've got is cold'. He said 'I should think so. It's been dead for two
weeks'.
30.
Not only that', I said, 'It's got one leg shorter than the other'. He
said 'What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?'
31.
Anyway, I said to the waiter, 'Forget the chicken, bring me a lobster. So
he brought a lobster. I said 'Just a minute, it's only got one claw.' He said
'It's been in a fight'. I said 'Bring me the winner'.
32.
So the next evening I was having a meal with Garry Kasporov and there was
a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
33.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take
that as a condiment"
34.
The next day I went to the butchers and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no way man, the steaks
are too high.'
35. So I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
36. So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
37. But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite.........one jar.
38.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped up in a barcode.
I said "Are you two an item?".
39.
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Animals
40. My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
41.
You know I've always been unlucky with animals. I had a rocking horse
once, and it died.
42.
I bought a greyhound about a month ago. A friend of mine said to me
"what are you gonna do with that" I said "I'm gonna race it"
he said "by the look of it, I think you'll beat it."
43.
I then took my other dog, a Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
Doctors/Dentist
44.
So I went to the dentist and he said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
45.
He examined my teeth and said “your teeth are OK, but your gums will have
to come out”.
46.
I then went to see the doctors, and he said " I haven't seen you in
a long time "
I
said "I know, I've been
ill"
47.
I said "It hurts when I do this (lifting arm up) "
The
doctor said " well don't do it then silly".
48.
I said “but I’ve hurt my arm in several places"
The
doctor said "well don't go there any more"
49. I then said “Hey Doc, I seem to have a strawberry growing out of me head”. He said “Don’t worry, I'll give you some cream to put on it."
50.
I then said "have you
got anything for wind", so he gave me a kite."
51.
So at the same Doctors, (I get a bulk discount), he said to me
"anything else I can help you with?" and I said "Yes, I keep
dreaming these beautiful girls keep coming towards me and I keep pushing them
away... these beautiful girls keep coming towards me and I keep pushing them
away." So he said "what do you want me to do?" and I said
"break my arms off."
52.
And
I carried on..
"I think I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse and people keep taking
the mickey" The Doctor had a look, pulled a few times and said
"How’s that?". I said "Don't
you start." He said, Hold on, I don’t think it’s a cricket ball, it’s
a lettuce leaf" I replied, "but that’s only the tip of the
Iceberg".
53.
My mate went to see the same doctor,
"Doctor I'm having trouble pronouncing my F's T's and H's".
and the Doctor said: "Well you can't say fairer than that then can
you?"
54.
Another man went to see his Doctor, “Doctor, you've got to help me. Every
night I get the urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do
you know what's wrong with me?”. The doctor replies “Yes you're f***ing
crackers.'
55.
Same man goes to see his Doctor again.
“Doc,” he says, “I've got a problem. Every minute of every day I've
got the song ‘Delilah’ running through my head. I catch myself humming it
and sometimes singing it in public places. My wife even says I sing it in my
sleep; it's driving her nuts. What is the matter with me?" The Doctor
replies, "Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me." "Is it
common?" the guy asks, to which the Doctor answers, "It's not
unusual."
56.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The
shrink says "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
57.Woman goes to the doctor's..... "Doctor, doctor, I've got acute angina." I said "Your tits aren't bad either."
58. "Doctor, doctor, during my operation I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word that upset me very much.
"What word was that?" "Oops."
59. A man got a call from his doctor who said "I have some bad news and some terrible news,
which would you rather hear first?" The man says "The bad news." The doctor says
"The lab messed up your tests and when they re-did them, they found out you only have
48 hours to
live!"
The man exclaimed "What could be more terrible than that!!??"
The doctor replied "we tried all day yesterday to get hold of you but your
phone was busy!"
HEALTH
AND FITNESS
60.
I was in Margate last year for a holiday. A friend of mine said,
"You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism." So I went and I
got it....
61.
Anyway, I thought I’d better get in some training so I went on a whisky
diet. I've lost three days already!
62.
So I decided to try and get fit so I went to the Gym and asked the
instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How
flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays but other than that
I’m OK".
63.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to
pull a fast one".
64.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK
then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa",
I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
65.
A man went into a pub, he orders a pint of beer, drinks the beer and
turns to the people on the right and says, you're a load of idiots and then he
turns to this left and shouts you’re a bunch of fools, and leaves. The next
night he comes in at the same time and orders a beer, drinks the beer and turns
to the people on the right and says, you're a load of idiots and then he turns
to this left and shouts you’re a bunch of fools, downs his beer and leaves.
The third night he comes in and repeats it but one of the people on his left
claims “I’m no fool” to which the man replies “well move over to the
right, you must be an idiot”
66.
A man walks up to a fairly deserted bar sits down and asks the bartender
for a beer. The bartender gives him his beer and some nuts and walks to the
other end of the bar. The man is drinking his beer and eating the nuts when he
hears a little voice: "Nice shirt!" He looks around and sees no one.
He shrugs and takes another gulp when he hears "Great haircut!" He
quickly looks around and again sees no one near him. He's quite flabergasted
now. He takes another drink and hears "You are looking mighty fine
today!" He's had it now so he calls to the bartender. "Bartender,
what's the deal? I keep hearing little voices saying things like 'nice shirt'
and 'You are looking really good'. What's going on?" "Oh, that."
the bartender says. "The peanuts are complimentary."
67.
Two
fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard"
68. A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his underpants. "Is that painful?" the barman asks.
"It's driving me nuts!" the man replies
69. A brain went into a pub and says, "Pint of lager, please." the barman replies, "Sorry mate, you're already
out of your head,"
An
Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says
that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat
on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll
crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl
the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and
falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he
reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into
bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the
next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say
that?" he asks as
he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called, you
left your wheelchair there again."
An Irish newspaper reports "Ireland's worst ever air disaster occurred today when a
two seater Cessna Plane crashed into a cemetery in Dublin. Irish search and rescue
workers have so far recovered 315 bodies and the numbers are expected to increase
as the digging continues."
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have a bad
Farting problem, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never
smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least
20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was
farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next
week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know
what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still
silent... stink terribly."
"Good!" the doctor says, "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses,
let's work on your hearing."